Robots, shanty towns and Texas – Sir Boris the Business Badger

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Sir Boris the Business Badger takes a short break from his many business engagements to tell you about the glorious economic future waiting for us.

Every right minded business badger knows that economists are fair weather friends at best. Sure they preach the virtues of the free market, but then they balk at sensible measures to ensure business success, like subsides and healthy monopolies.

Tyler Cowen did get it right, however, with his article on the future of America being robots and shanty towns in Texas. If America continues down the path of economic growth and development, the listless middle class will be, rightfully, pruned down to a more manageable size. The majority of people will end up working in low income jobs supporting the great automated factories and services of enterprising business badgers, such as myself.

Cowen wisely points out that people will adapt to low incomes. The housing of the future will be mirco-houses made out of recyclable material. These mirco-house communities, known cheerfully, around the world as shanty towns, offer a more realistic lifestyle for citizens of the world’s richest country.

Continued economic development will enable the majority of Americans to live like this

Low taxes, minimal public services and menial low paid jobs, monitoring the robots that are actually doing the real work, will ensure a stable and prosperous society. I look forward to reaping the benefits of this utopia.

The only slight worry for me is rumours that the military has developed a new line of robots. These robots are far too ruthless and psychopathic for military service, but scored very well in business leadership tests.

The X-01 performed well in the boardroom

Replacing poor and middle class jobs with robots is one thing, but let’s not get carried away here. Being a good business leader requires unique skills that a robot cannot replicate, like making cold clinical decisions without letting your feelings get in the way, and reciting set speeches.

Brutal sexual assault judge’s own fault

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A high profile Judge was savagely sexually assaulted last night.

Hon Justice Crusty was walking home after a party at 12:30 am when he was dragged into nearby bushes and brutally violated during a horrific two hour long attack. Police said they were not looking for suspects because Hon Justice Crusty accepted it was his own bloody fault.

A police spokesman said:

“Look, Justice Crusty told us from the intensive care unit that he was very drunk, several of his buttons were undone and his socks were down. It was a bad area. He was basically begging for it. “

The spokesman said that Justice Crusty could appreciate the irony of the situation. Justice Crusty is known to be lenient on sexual offenders, often blaming female victims for being drunk or wearing revealing clothes.

“Justice Crusty can certainly see the funny side, between sobbing he told me that egg was on his face, although that wasn’t the only thing on his face last night, if you know what I mean.”

The spokesman said that Justice Crusty felt sorry for the young men who attacked him.

“He says they are the real victims here. I agree, one minute they are walking down the street, perfect law abiding citizens. Then they see Justice Crusty drunk and showing skin. Naturally impulses take over, they were practically forced to attack him.”

The spokesman had some advice for men moving around the community.

“Basically don’t. If you absolutely have to leave your house, try to maintain a fast jog, never stop moving. Don’t go anywhere near alcohol, obviously. If you do get sexually attacked, don’t come crying to us for sympathy, take a look in the mirror.”

State owned asset sales, poppycock! – Sir Boris the Business Badger

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Sir Boris the Business Badger returns to put the world to rights and communists in their place.

As an upstanding Business Badger, I am often subject to asinine questions from my inferiors, who are truly legion in number. One such recurring question is about what I think of the state owned asset sales in New Zealand. Well simple minded folk, let me tell you what I think! First though, let me tell you about the share market.

The share market allows the budding businessman to invite his fellow investors to purchase a share of his privately owned company. In return for giving the businessman some much needed funds, the investors now own a part of his company and get to have a say in how it is run.

Sounds rather splendid, does it not? Indeed it does if you are a card carrying communist! Let look at this again. Thanks to the share markets a bunch of investors, who could be anyone, now collectively own a part of your company. We all know what collective ownership means, communism. Congratulations, Mr Businessman, your happy capitalist enterprise is now an communal socialist abomination, long live the revolution comrade!

I mean really. Anyone could buy a share and have a say in how your company is run; unionists, seditionists, archaists, even poets. Imagine a company run by poets! Worse yet, a government pension fund could buy shares. Just think, your hard earned profits will be going to help pay for the retirement of some lazy skiver or an insufferable public servant. Some aging beatnik, who has never worked an honest day in his life, will be sitting on a beach somewhere saying “thanks for the dividends capitalist pig.”

No thank you, sir. I do not like the sound of that one bit! If you are thinking about publicly listing your company on the share market, you better purchase a copy of Marx’s Das Kapital!

So where does this leave the sale of state owned assets? It is simple, a bunch of communist scum called the government are selling companies to another bunch of communist scum called private investors. Neither, of course, should be let anywhere near anything of value.

If the government had any business sense, they would sell the companies to a single respectable Business Badger. Who would systematically strip improve any value the companies had. A single Business Badger could deliver far better results than a gaggle of communists. Of course, yours truly may be interested for the right price, yes quite interested indeed.

Sir Boris the Business Badger

Land is Good: The Rantings of a Good, Honest, Hardworking Kiwi Bloke

In a bid to cover the views of all the people, I have agreed to post the following piece from a concerned “Good Kiwi Bloke”, who simply wishes to retain the high quality lifestyle that so many of us have always had and deserve to have maintained for us in our best interests. After all, we are all intelligent thought provoking people and our opinions deserve to be heard. I call this weekly segment “the Fat Controllers Street People”.

Cheers, Fat Controller.

Hi. Damn these city planners in Auckland. Damn them to hell! The bastards in city hall of our largest city want to wreck the fabric of New Zealand society. What I want is a big quarter acre section. It is my right! It is all of our rights! You too will want your piece of the pie (or is that pavlova?). Yeah I might have to mow all those lawns, prune those trees, dig that garden, maintain all the other bits and pieces, and yeah I might not use most of it, but my kids will play ball all day long in my well-kept yard, and all night too (if I can get them off the bloody playstation).

Of course, I don’t earn a lot of money, and this is the very crux of the problem. They want to stop building so many new houses on all that gorgeous land at the edge of the city, which means if I want my (our) Kiwi dream then it will be beyond the reach of my pockets. Open it up for god sakes, and while we are at it please bring the price of petrol, car registrations, car parking and car parts down too. Also, get rid of WoFs and stop taxing me so much. Just get on with building that damn motorway that never gets built so I can drive my car into work at the speed of thunder! It only costs a few billion (which is a damn sight cheaper than that bloody railway they keep talking about – what does it cost now? $100 billion and climbing every day!!!).

Although buses are for losers, my kids still want to get around until they have their drivers licences so please keep some sort of bus going 7 days a week at least every twenty minutes (until my youngest turns 16). Also, speed it up. My kids take forever to get home because the bus gets stuck in traffic. But build no railway. Too expensive and three people use it. You can tell people want to drive because the motorways are so full.

It would also help our Kiwi dream if my power bills were down. The best way to do that is to sell the power generators off to the yanks or something. They know how to run stuff, and because they are like me they must be good sorts too. The power prices will keep coming down, but not if they continue to be run by the socialist crowd that own them now. Get on with it, we don’t know how to run stuff.

The bleeding heart liberals who all want to live in high rises number 5 in total and have no idea of the costs they will levy on us poor hard working intelligent Kiwi souls if they get their way. Have you seen those apartment buildings? They are freaking huge! Imagine what it costs to build one of them, let alone cover a whole  city with them! That is what is planned folks – as far as the eye can see, huge 30 story towers full of trash. A ghetto to end the Kiwi dream that I hold so dear. Imagine the cost of providing services to all that lot and compare it to the cost of providing me with services in my suburb. Really no comparison eh?

Kiwis only go overseas to laugh at the rest of the world for their destructive intensification ways, not to admire it! Of course I went to Wellington recently and that place was pretty stacked up. Wellington is basically another country anyway, so my point still stands. It’s full of weirdos and wind and everybody runs, bikes and uses public transport. Pathetic and hardly a reflection of what is really going on in the world. I also recently heard that the government is backing intensified development in Christchurch’s centre. At first I couldn’t figure out why the Government were doing this as they always make sense and share my hate for Loony Len Brown’s mad cap schemes for Auckland. So why are they doing it there? Well I figured they wanted to punish them for being racist South Islanders and having too many earthquakes. All was well with the world. My world. For that is what it is and all that matters. Right? Agreed.

Good Honest Kiwi Bloke. Like You.

Next week, a lady from the Wellington suburb of Karori will give us her views on what we should do about the domestic cat issue, and the future of our armed forces. Hint: both issues are related. Hmmmm.

Cheers, Fat Controller

Social Nuts – Stan the Socially Conscious Squirrel (Bachelor of Arts)

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Stan the Socially Conscious Squirrel (Bachelor of Arts) is a well educated social minded crusader for the poor and oppressed. Stan knows how to put heartless right wingers in their place. 

Hello!

I was interested in reading your blog after seeing the picture of meerkats. Meerkats are often discriminated against in the, so called, mainstream media so it was good to see a positive portrayal for once.

I was, however, horrified to see you publish the hideous ravings of that right-wing lunatic Boris the Business Badger. Boris is a disgrace and should be banned.

I have written a counterpoint political post to set the record straight. You will probably not publish it, because you are, no doubt, in the thrall of Rupert Murdoch and his mainstream media lackeys.

Ending poverty by Stan the Socially Conscious Squirrel (Bachelor of Arts)

I know a thing or two about poverty, when I was a student I lived a harsh existence, barely supported by the student allowance and my wealthy parents.

Poverty is caused by rich people and capitalism. Capitalism causes poverty because rich people produce cool things that are too expensive, below is the historic development of capitalism and poverty.

Capitalism

Basically, the evil right wing capitalists make things and then charge us too much to buy them. This is morally wrong! The government needs to intervene to stop things being too expensive, especially the following items:

  • Organic food, especially nuts!
  • Rent and House prices in good suburbs
  • iPhones and iPads
  • Electricity prices, especially if you are running a sweet hydroponics set-up
  • Ginger wine
  • Music festivals
  • Hack sacks.

Making these items affordable would go a long way to solving poverty.

The other side of the coin is income. People need to have enough money to buy things. First, we need to improve the economy by banning things that cause inequality, like businesses, profits and employers. Obviously, we do not ban cool businesses like Apple though.

The government also needs to have a policy of full employment for Arts Graduates. It is not my fault; fascist businesses are not interested in my degree in medieval languages. With Art Graduates fully employed and businesses, profits and employers banned, the economy will boom!

More government welfare is also needed, especially for people discovering themselves. It is very important that people are free to try new things, like not working. Just because people are not working does not mean they should not have cool things.

It should not matter if a person’s parents are rich. When I took a year off study to to focus on my bongo playing, the money my parents gave me was barely enough for nine months of travel, what was I meant to do for the remaining three months?

Together we can end poverty and create a greater society with lots of organic nuts!

Stan the Socially Conscious Squirrel (Bachelor of Arts)

Corporate welfare, do not make me laugh! – Sir Boris the Business Badger

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Sir Boris the Business Badger, is a hard working industrialist, free marketeer and net taxpayer. His hard hitting, common sense based, economic analysis often causes the socialist rabble to fall into fits of despair.

I usually do not have much time for politicians. Socialist parasites, one and all, sucking taxes from the government teat, like pigs in a gold mine. Although, I suppose Roger Douglas made some good decisions, for a vile communist at least.

Anyway that aside, I did find myself nodding sagely (temporarily, of course) at the wise words of the rapid left winger, Bill English. He was deflecting a clumsy misguided attack from Labour (is there any other kind) on, so called, corporate welfare.

Corporate welfare! I ask you, have you ever heard anything more absurd? Welfare is what you call the misguided leeching of funds from net tax payers to good for nothing bludgeoners, scallywags, vagabonds and, worse of all, poets. The only good kind of welfare is a kick up the backside and a one way ticket to the work house.

Corporations are what puts food in a worker’s belly and wages in his pocket, even though he deserves neither, the lazy unionist sod! If corporations occasionally need a hand from the government that is only just. It is not a hand out, it is a hand back!

I mean the free market is obviously perfect and never wrong. Sometimes, however, it can take a while to be right. During a market adjustment a corporation may need a temporary loan, subsidy, law change or payment. There is nothing wrong with this.

For example, my Zeppelin business went through a rough patch, after that ridiculously over reaction to the Hindenburg incident, talk about PC gone mad!  I needed an annual interest free loan to tide over my cash flow dilemma. The New Zealand Government happily obliged, as it should.

To be fair, the Zeppelin business is still a bit flat and the annual loans remain, but when business picks up, New Zealand will reap the benefits. Of course, I will relocate the business overseas to a tax haven as soon as it makes a profit, but that is beside the point.

My Zeppelin factory, just waiting for new orders to come in.

My Zeppelin factory, just waiting for new orders to come in.

Does not making a profit and relying on government loans make me the recipient of corporate welfare, of course not. Just because a government loan, funded by taxes, happens to pay my very very large salary does not change my status as a net taxpayer and successful business badger.

Next week, I will look at unions; why do they hate New Zealand so much and how quickly can we get rid of them?

Sir Boris the Business Badger

Welcome to the Underhouse

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Welcome to our new blog. We intend to blog on a wide range of topics, from satire to boring analysis. If we do not and succumb to other temptations, as so many do on the Internet, feel free to judge us harshly.

We are going to be wrong about a lot of things. From mundane proofreading to the very core of our ideas.  Hopefully, amongst the horrible wrongness pearls of wisdom will be found, like finding a pickle in a turd sandwich.

We are probably not going to be funny most of the time too. Now here is a low res picture of meerkats in a box.